With friends like Mark who needs enemies: Love Actually (2003)

Yes, it’s another holiday movie.

It’s only 2 minutes in and Bill Nighy is already cursing up a storm.

Some backstory here:

Bill Nighy’s character (Billy Mack) is recording a Christmas song and he can’t seem to remember the words. When he finally does, however, he hates what he is singing and calls it “shit”

His producer agrees but in a different way. He sees the song as a money maker.

This interaction was funny. I laughed.

It is 5 weeks to Christmas.

A lobster in a nativity play?

Poor kid.

Eww 👇🏿

And he looked so proud of himself for dropping that double entendre.

Aww, he likes a lady but she doesn’t see it for him.

Poor guy.

What the f**k is this I am looking at?

Oh… they are actors.

I guess I spoke too soon.

So Hugh Grant is the newly elected prime minister.

Do you know a great way to put off actually running the country? Never contesting for the prime minister position in the first place.

This Prime Minister appears to be a bumbling idiot it seems.

Why on earth did he think it was normal to say this to a person he just met?

I think the Prime Minister is liking himself some Natalie.

Why is he laughing so hard at this? It’s not like what she said was funny.

Never doubt, never doubt.

My advice would be not to shit where you eat.

Their wedding is so much fun.

Before the reception, it is already a rave.

Oh my God, Jamie’s girlfriend is cheating on him with his brother.

… and he loves her so much. He is literally a simp for her.

This is so evil. His brother is a demon and that girlfriend needs to burn in hell.

Now I see why that girl is irritated by him. He has no respect for boundaries; always in your face and cringe.

His name is Colin.

while she is Nancy

Colin the buffoon’s brain boots 5 minutes slower than most because this interaction was cringe.

and the daft was smiling…

Dude, you do realise you insulted her cooking whilst trying to flirt with her?

And then Colin the dummy goes on to say this.

Colin, what is not clicking for you?

Are you a dunce?

Instead of Colin to understand the fact that he is cringe and terrible at flirting, he blames English women for his misfortune.

Colin is an idiot.

Colin wants to go to America because

This man is DELULU on Red Bull and steroids. Not a brain cell working in that head of his.

I know I am dragging Colin but damn, his friend didn’t have to be this mean.

This one is a frenemy and you see? This further proves my point that Colin’s brain boots 5 minutes slower than everyone else’s.

A person whose brain is working well would have expelled this frenemy from their life.

Colin called himself the god of sex.

Ha! Colin…

The delusion is strong on this one.

Oh wow, Colin’s friend, Tony works on the set where those two were simulating sex.

I have to give it to actors, this level of vulnerability is one I would never reach.

Whoever said Wisconsin was a fantastic place?

Of all the places to go in America, that was where you chose? SMH

Are these two flirting?

I think they are going to be knocking boots by the end of this movie.

This little boy’s mum just died and he is thinking about love.

Excuse me, little man, what do you know about love?

Jamie has moved into a new house. Far away from his cheating girlfriend and repugnant brother.

Natalie’s ex-boyfriend is a demon. The things he said to her were horrid.

I hope someone kicks him repeatedly in the nuts for 30 days.

Prime Minister is so attracted to Natalie that all he does is groan about his attraction to her every time she leaves his office.

I love Billy. He is a riot.

I love him. His whole media run has been INSANE.

It is 3 Weeks to Christmas.

Jamie is so awkward. Not a bone of pizzazz in that body of his.

English, motherfucker! Do you speak it?

Ain’t no way Billy Bob Thorton was the American president.

LOL.

The British Prime Minister stood up to the US President in this film.

It was quite commendable. Too bad the UK Prime Minister doesn’t have the liver to do this in the real world.

The web this movie weaves… So Liam Neeson’s character is a widower who is best friends with Emma Thompson’s character.

Emma Thompson’s character is the Prime Minister’s sister…

and Alan Rickman’s character’s wife.

The same Alan Rickman’s character who is flirting with his secretary.

Yes, the same character I was shipping with his secretary. I know what I am, you don’t have to tell me.

It is 2 Weeks to Christmas.

This river they’re in is muddy and disgusting.

These two are meant to be cute with their “lost in translation” love but I just find it very nonsensical to have a domestic staff that he cannot communicate with properly.

They are in love with each other but neither of them knows it because it is lost in translation.

Mark filmed his friend, Peter’s wedding but instead of filming Peter and his wife Juliet, Mark filmed ONLY Juliet.

Initially, when Juliet saw the video, she was smiling oblivious to what was going on until the video progressed further…

and then it clicked.

Her husband’s best friend is obsessed with her.

Yes, I used “obsessed” because that is not love. You do not love someone so much, you forget to use your senses correctly.
That is an obsession.

Yes, they are because Mark is a crazy person.

This baby (Sammy) says his little girlfriend, Joanna is the one for him.

Honey, you are a foetus. I’m sure you have a lot of twos and elevens in your future.

Aww, his deceased mother’s name was also Joanna.

The Portuguese woman kissed Jamie.

Finally, a language he will understand.

But Jamie didn’t do anything. He let her walk away without letting her know how he feels.

If I smack you, ehn?

This motherfucker is a married man. He and his wife are at this event but he is dancing with his very bold, ready-to-be-a-side-chick secretary: telling her she is beautiful.

God, I love Billy. He said if his Christmas song reaches number one, he would sing a song stark naked on TV and he put his penis in Parkinson’s face to give him a preview.

He is so unhinged.

Sarah has been trying to get Karl’s attention all this while not knowing that he was feeling her too. Finally, he made the move by asking her to dance and now they are kissing.

Good for them.

Sarah girl, why is your room so messy?

They couldn’t have sex because her (I’m going to guess) autistic brother keeps calling to interrupt their sexy time.

If Karl is the one, he will understand. But if he is just using her to cure his horniness, then…

This is Sarah’s brother, Michael.

He thinks the hospital staff wants to kill him. He is not autistic. He has a mental illness.

This whole scene was too funny.

It is 1 week to Christmas.

This is Colin’s backpack.

He has no clothes inside. What he has inside are condoms.

I’m tired of Colin. He is so cringe.

Emma Thompson’s character, Karen found the gift her husband, Harry bought for his secretary/mistress-in-transit and thought he bought it for her.

Poor lady.

Jamie is learning Portuguese.

That is so wholesome.

My heart breaks for Karen because she is so excited about a gift that is not for her.

Colin’s dream came true.

He went to Milwaukee and found himself a pretty American woman who had a thing for English men.

Colin was hoping to check into a motel like they do in the movies but the American girls offered him their place to stay.

They tell him they are not rich. They only have a room and a bed and they can’t afford pyjamas.

Colin the he-goat already is dreaming of sleeping in the same bed with three naked women. Thirsty ass motherfucker.

Oh wow, it’s happening for Colin.

Harry bought Karen a Joni Mitchell CD.

and her face

This gift is:
A confirmation that her husband is cheating.
A confirmation that he doesn’t care about impressing her.
A confirmation that her marriage is over.

And here is his mistress, Mia wearing the necklace Karen thought was for her.

Poor Karen. She is heartbroken.

Billy Mack now has the number-one Christmas song in the country.

He did it. So, it’s time for him to show us his balls.

These two went on a date.

I like. Their whole journey has been very unusual but cute at the same time.

They kissed…

Jamie went to his family’s home for Christmas but is leaving early.

Let me check if that useless brother of his is there.

Yep! That’s the motherfucker right there.

No wonder Jamie is leaving.

I guess I was wrong. Jamie is going to the airport.

He is going to meet the Portuguese Mulher. Alright, Jamie. I support.

I guess it was never meant to be between Karl and Sarah.

What is wrong with them?! Why are they so stilted?

At least she got to spend Christmas with her brother.

Mark came to visit Juilet in her husband’s (his BEST FRIEND) house and when Peter asked her who was at the door, this friendly enemy said she should lie to her husband.

With friends like Mark, who needs enemies?

This is the worst storyline in the whole movie. Fuck this storyline.

Are you people seeing this useless man?

God, I hate this storyline.

I hate these two and they need to burn in hell for what they did to Peter.

Billy cancelled his party plans with Elton John to spend Christmas with his manager.

This is wholesome. I like this.

Natalie has thrown her cards on the Prime Minister’s table.

She said and I quote “I’m actually yours. With love. xxx your Natalie”

Prime Minister, it is left to you to play because Natalie wants to love you.

And off he goes.

and he told his men not to wait up. Alright Prime Minister.

Sammy’s little girlfriend has some pipes on her.

She sings really well.

And Sammy’s drumming improved.

I am so happy for him.

Joanna told Sammy that all she wanted for Christmas was him.

Look at how happy he is.

And then Joanna ruined it by being Oprah.

Here I was, wasting my tears on nothing.

The Prime Minister didn’t want to steal the kids’ thunder but he ended up doing just that.

Karen confronted cheating ass Harry.

I don’t believe that Harry would change.

Karen was so real for this and I hope she divorces him after Christmas.

Sammy finally called Daniel, “Dad”.

Daniel met Claudia Schiffer who is Carol in this movie and is hypnotised.

Good for you Daniel. It’s great that love has found you.

Jamie went to Aurelia’s home to meet her but she wasn’t there. Instead, the father offered her older sister to marry him which her sister didn’t find funny.

Now she is telling the entire village that her father wants to sell Aurelia.